So.
I am getting divorced. I signed and filed the papers, Shaun has been served, it is underway. This is not something I wanted. I've spent more than two years first denying what was happening and then grieving over my failed marriage and my inability to fix it. This winter, I finally reached the point where I was ready to end it. I can't fix Shaun, I can't fix us, I can only fix me. I think I've finally come to some sort of peace with the situation, although if I dwell on it, it still tears me up inside. My head and my heart are in an uneasy and uncomfortable truce.
Most people in my life are supportive. To the very specific set of frustrating, intrusive people who aren't helping, with their "helpful" comments and gossipy concern and questions, I address the following answers:
1) Yes, it's taken me a long time to get to this point; however, don't tell me that I really ought to have done this two years ago. I wasn't ready. End of discussion.
2) Yes, I'm still wearing my wedding ring. I take it off sometimes when it feels like it's burning my finger like a spoken lie burns in your throat, but taking it off feels like as much of a lie as leaving it on. I'm still married, for a little while longer. My wedding ring is a very powerful symbol to me. When the judge signs the paper and declares that I am no longer married, then I will take off my ring permanently. My logic doesn't always make sense to me either since the marriage has been functionally dead for a while, but this is my choice, and my choice alone - I'm working through it the best I can. Please respect that.
3) I do not want to go out to a bar and have a wild time to make up for everything. First of all, I don't drink alcohol. Second of all, I'm an introvert and I don't like crowds or noise. I didn't like that scene when I was 20, I like it even less at 42. I'm boring, I get that. But you know what? I'm OK with myself the way I am.
4) And so help me, if one more person asks me if I'm dating anyone yet, or when I'm going to "get back out there", I'm going to have to hurt someone. Getting over a 20 year relationship takes time, especially when I didn't want it to end, and finding a new man will not magically solve everything. I'm perfectly fine with being all alone. I need to be by myself right now and for the foreseeable future. And actually, the thought of kissing someone makes me nauseated.
There, I said what I've wanted to say for months. Sorry for the rant, but I feel better having gotten that off my chest.
5 comments:
One step at a time..... You are doing really well.
Thinking of you through this difficult step.
I don't think introverted/not being into a bar scene is boring! But its an interesting point to bring up. I've been reading 'Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking' by Susan Cain, who argues that (North?) American culture has become so focused on extroversion that we no longer value a range of personality styles - even though there are solid contributions made by introverted styles: "If there is only one insight you take away from this book, though, I hope it's a newfound sense of entitlement to be yourself."
But then, I am introverted-ish - so not exactly unbiased...
You have done your best, now it is time to turn the page. I admire your courage and resolve, as well as your honesty. (..I also admire your handspun yarns..but then, you know I've always been a big fan)
I'm thinking of you Sue xxx
Be true to yourself.
I made a collage for my 26 yr old marriage - and it's one of my treasures. A lot of healing, photos, little stuff went into it.
Few people understood but I made it for me. I think you would understand (and my wedding ring is on that collage, too)
Hugs
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