I am getting divorced. I signed and filed the papers, Shaun has been served, it is underway. This is not something I wanted. I've spent more than two years first denying what was happening and then grieving over my failed marriage and my inability to fix it. This winter, I finally reached the point where I was ready to end it. I can't fix Shaun, I can't fix us, I can only fix me. I think I've finally come to some sort of peace with the situation, although if I dwell on it, it still tears me up inside. My head and my heart are in an uneasy and uncomfortable truce.
Most people in my life are supportive. To the very specific set of frustrating, intrusive people who aren't helping, with their "helpful" comments and gossipy concern and questions, I address the following answers:
1) Yes, it's taken me a long time to get to this point; however, don't tell me that I really ought to have done this two years ago. I wasn't ready. End of discussion.
2) Yes, I'm still wearing my wedding ring. I take it off sometimes when it feels like it's burning my finger like a spoken lie burns in your throat, but taking it off feels like as much of a lie as leaving it on. I'm still married, for a little while longer. My wedding ring is a very powerful symbol to me. When the judge signs the paper and declares that I am no longer married, then I will take off my ring permanently. My logic doesn't always make sense to me either since the marriage has been functionally dead for a while, but this is my choice, and my choice alone - I'm working through it the best I can. Please respect that.
3) I do not want to go out to a bar and have a wild time to make up for everything. First of all, I don't drink alcohol. Second of all, I'm an introvert and I don't like crowds or noise. I didn't like that scene when I was 20, I like it even less at 42. I'm boring, I get that. But you know what? I'm OK with myself the way I am.
4) And so help me, if one more person asks me if I'm dating anyone yet, or when I'm going to "get back out there", I'm going to have to hurt someone. Getting over a 20 year relationship takes time, especially when I didn't want it to end, and finding a new man will not magically solve everything. I'm perfectly fine with being all alone. I need to be by myself right now and for the foreseeable future. And actually, the thought of kissing someone makes me nauseated.
There, I said what I've wanted to say for months. Sorry for the rant, but I feel better having gotten that off my chest.